New endings and beginnings

New year, new place to live, new job, new friends....

I have deleated all the posts prior to this one. They were truely depressing and a look into one of the lowest points in my life. I realize that I need to move on from everything- move on from missing college, move on from me and Jimmy's relationship, and move onto bigger and better things. I thought that holding onto my life at FSU and having it there for me was going to make this transition into my internship. Turns out I breaking a "Madsen Rule": I was rehearsing a multitude of thoughts and memories that only made matter worse.

Its sad to come to this realization, but I feel that it has been the best thing so far: I must not think about these things. I must not think about these things so much, that I will soon forget them. And when I need them, they will still be there stored in the back of my mind. But I do not need them now, so I have to forget.

I have been into my internship for four days now, and I feel a little too comfortable. I have a nice desk, wonderful supervising teachers, and a schedule that up to now has been very easy. Since the school is testing for midterms this week, there have only been two classes per day meeting. I have been doing a lot of observing, and I even have the names of students learned. What I havent started yet is actually teaching yet....I am nervous about starting to interact with the students, but I am ready.

The biggest thing dragging me down was my depression over me and jimmy. But I have started to move on the best I can. He actually helped by reminding me of why we were not ok. He showed me is shelfishness once more, and I swear it was like a scene straight out of "Forgetting Sara Marshall." In the beginning, I was so immobolized with sadness over us ending, and I would rehearse the good times over and over, making myself sink further into depression. But as time is moving on, and he is showing me the real him once again, I am remembering all the horrible memories, the numerous times were I couldnt count on him, and the numerous times he let me down....and oddly enough, he helped me realize that he needs to change before anyone in his life will ever be treated right.

And further more, I am discovering that there were people in my life who never left, who always had me in their thoughts the way jimmy was supposed to. I have gone to dinner with one such person, and I cant remember the last time where I went out with someone and didnt have one thought of worry. I havent laughed and smiled so much in so long.

It seems that the sun is finnally coming out. I feel like myself again, and I am realizing how blind I have been. I am thankful for my new internship, I am thankful for candlelight dinners with older loves, I am thankful for friends nearby and friends far away, and I am eternally greatful to be living with my family. I cant wait to begin teaching.

Heres to new endings, and more importantly, NEW BEGINNINGS!