I can count you on my hand!

Me and Ari made plans earlier in the week to have movie night....but honestly, the fact that he has been acting weird sends the biggest red flag up in my mind. So I decided to take care of it...

I texted him last night- "you still talk to your ex?"- he replies yes....another BIG red flag...so i just made it stop-

I wrote- "I dont think we should see eachother anymore. I was having a lot of fun, but honestly, I cant fool around with someone who is still attached to their ex..."

*sidebar* he has told me about his ex- her name is Bri. They broke up VERY recently.....The only things I know about her are the things that Ari has told me, and those include the following statements:

" She got crazy- said she was gonna kill herself when I left her"
"Mother is abusive to her- so thats why shes messed up"
"Ive been done with her for a while now"
"She didnt have any friends of her own, only me"
"She did drugs a lot in high school"

...the only conclusion that can be drawn from this is that she was a little on the crazy side, and that he had had enough. Or that the bad stuff was so bad that he forgot about any of the good things, even if they may have been present at some time.

But the fact that he is still talking to her makes me think hes not totally over her...I dont want someone who is carrying their baggage around with them- I want someone without baggage...or maybe even someone who has put their baggage in a storage unit to look back on and reflect on earlier mistakes and gains!

I dont even want to mess around with Ari anymore. I wasnt in it for a relationship, but I dont even want to fool around with him....it makes me feel like the other woman to this Bri- I dont want Ari to be lying to her and leading her on while he is fooling around with me, because I know that would kill me if it were to happen to me....

So, long story short, I told him I dont really want to see him anymore. He asked, "not even as friends?" and I said no.....no friend of mine would treat someone like he treats Bri, even if they arent "together" anymore- thats just shitty guy material, and I dont want to be even in friendly company with those people.

I have been serverly hurt before in relationships, particularly my last one. I was too careful to trust my heart to someone I didnt know well enough. I learned a lot about myself, and what I am willing to tolerate in a romantic OR non-romantic relationship- and call my expectations high, but I expect nothing of my friends and romances than I expect of myself... and, sure, my number of true friends can be counted on one hand, but its the quality, not the quantity that I am worried about.

So, me and Ari are done with whatever we were doing. It may have been a little harsh to tell him the things I did, but honesty hurts sometimes- I told we arent going to be friends anymore so then he doesnt feel the urge to lie to this poor girl who is madly in love with him. He needs to be nicer and stop tossing her around- thats probably the thing thats making her crazy! What an asshole lol

I always wondered why my parents have few friends- I thought there may be something wrong with them, or the were some crazy loners or something. But I never made the connection between the amount of friends and the amount of drama they have in their lives.....Few friends, but zero drama! I can see myself turning into my parents more and more each day....They really do choose to surround themselves with only the best and kindest of people.

But this post is really dedicated to those who hold a place in my heart and on my hand of true friends!:

INDEX FINGER: Goes to my little sister, Katie- we were close when we were little, and every year it seems to get better- my index finger belongs to you- I can say "youre number one!"...and i can pick my nose with you :)

MIDDLE FINGER: For fucking Toni Sanchez!!! My love, my soul mate, my queen in shining armour! I can tell you anything in the world and not feel judged- needless to say, we are in love....I can use you to tell people exactly how I feel without saying a word :)

RING FINGER: For Kelly Andrews! Fat kidz unity, snuggie exchange, and watching out for eachother from immature girls who talk about you behind your back....you will know me better than I know myself forever...Youre my ring finger bc me and you should get married one day

PINKY FINGER: Jenny Rosser- once sworn enemies, we are now eachothers support system and internship coaches.....DONT TOUCH THE KIDS! (the pinky is the smallest finger, so if you touch a kid with it, its almost like you can get away with it..........JUST KIDDING!)

THUMB- Kris Ramos- you dont know it, but I adore you so much. And I believe everything happens for a reason, and there is a reason why me and you have stayed in touch for all these years, even though we have been in the same town maybe a total of 5 times over the past four years. I can give you a thumbs up, and use you to flush the toilet...and play video games

....mom and dad, youre my WRIST...bc you hold all this together, and had it not been for the values and morals you have taught me, then I would not have found these people that contribute so much to my life.

I am blessed. I find that out more and more everyday. Im out!

And the day gets better...

Today, I conducted my band for the first time. I am going to be assuming the majority of the responsibilities for the Symphonic Band, and today, we met eachother for the first time :)

I started with chair placement. I had been holding auditions for a week, and finally they were done. After chair placement, we warmed up. Im not sure if it was because Mr. Williams was in the room, but these kids were GOLDEN CHILDREN....not a peep. And where they was a whisper, all I had to do was look at them, shake my head "no", and again, there was silence. FABULOUS

They have an overall good sound, and they are overall good workers. I want to make their "overall" status into a spectacular status. And honestly, if days go as well as they did today (which they may not), then we can reach that. I know its going to take a lot of work, but I am so pumped right now to make them great.

After the horrid behavior of second hour, I am glad that these kids are my band :)

Crash Course in Classroom Management

So today, I was teaching 3 classes by myself. Mr. Jenkins has Jury Duty, bless his heart. And Mr. Williams was on a trip with most of the marching band for a benefit concert in Miami. Needless to say, it was a crash course in classroom managment.

The first two periods were left over instrumentation from two jazz bands. Without a complete band, we went into sectionals. Saxophones did amazingly, trumpets were lazy, but I made them work on something, and rhythm section was getting bored because they played through everything. So I combined the guitars, bass, and set players and we had a "jam" session- I know its not very educational, but I at least wanted them to play their instruments. At least they had a chance to be creative.

The next band class was horrrrriiiblllleee with talking. A tuba girl was not happy with me singling her out and telling her to be quiet. I got a look the whole class, but at least she was quiet. I had to yell at them multiple times. Afterwards, I went into the office, and Mr. Zeruth (resprentitive from All-County Music Store) was sitting there. I told him they had behaved horibly and he pointed out that they actually were listening very well for me being an intern. He said I looked very much like a teacher. I guess my expectations of behavior in rehearsal are still stuck in college mode- the mode where if you so much as sneeze in rehearsal, you will be kicked out and fail the class...even though this is a high expectation, I still think they can achieve it, and honestly, Im not going to expect any less.

It truely was a crash course in classroom management. Lots of yelling, lots of lecturing....I have to come up with a better way to do this.

SIgns from Above??

So, this weekend, I have been pretty bumbed out about how dissapointing everything has been with Ari....during the week, I am so busy with my internship that I dont have time to think about being lonely or missing tallahassee. I get such a rush teaching and being productive.

Its the weekends that kill me. The down time...it sucks (clap clap, clap clap). So I have been keeping really busy during the weekend. I was out every night last weekend with Ari, but since he seems to be bipolar (funny how i attract the crazies), I cant rely on him to spend time with me. AND Jenny was gone this weekend doing grad school auditions...so i was really worried that this weekend was going to be a depressing one...


AND THEN....a miracle happened!

Her name is Toni Sanchez. She is one of my best friends from school, and me and her are basically the same person. She and Joel came down to stay at the hard rock this weekend!!! I was SOOOOO relieved- two of my favorite people all in the same place.

I headed out to meet them at the mall to get some party clothes and on the way I said my prayers and was thankful that my friends were close to me. I finnally got to them, and things seemed like we had never been apart. We went back to the hotel to get ready for dinner and I told them about Ari and jenny and kris. They immediately hated Ari, already knew Jenny, and wanted to meet Kris.....

I was a little sad on the way to dinner because I wished Jenny and Kris were there with me....


AND THEN, Miracle No. 2 happened...

I get a message from Kris' computer that he has been using in Haiti....its says "Im coming home"...

They sent him back home via helicopter because he needed to pick up more equipment...

The following message says "I will be at the hardrock in an hour"

I just about peed my pants...I was trying to calculate how long we would be in South Beach for dinner and how soon I could get to see Kris, and it wasnt looking good bc it was already late and he said he wasnt going to stay for long....

THEEEENNNN...Miracle No. 3- the highway we were on was CLOSED COMPLETELY.....

We turned around and I felt butterflies in my stomach...I was going to really get to see Kris!

We had dinner together, took a shot and had a couple of drinks. It was so comforting to see him there infront of me, safe and ok. He was laughing and smiling, and I was no longer worried about the effects of Haiti on him, becuase he really seemed ok and just like himself. He later stayed with his roomates at the tables while me, Toni, and Joel went to the pub. I said goodnight to him two times and went up to my room and slept well knowing he was ok and saying my thanks because I got to see him. He is going back today, but he says he will be back soon, and I feel my worry for him lessening because I have seen him come back ok.

I am a strong believer in thinking that everything happens for a reason...and someone, somewhere heard my wish that I wanted to see him and needed my friends this weekend....and someone answered.

What a great weekend. I am totally energized and ready for another week of teaching. And I hope Kris, Toni, and Joel all come back soon, because I love them so much!

Live, Love, Laugh.....Motto of this weekend. Peace

Where have all the men gone????!!!!!

SOOO I was supposed to have plans with Ari tonight(guy who has taken me out a bunch of times since i moved back home- kissed a few times, dont know if im interested or not). But recently, things have been getting weird...ugh, let me start from the beginning....

Me and Ari met through a mutual friend WAY back in high school. We wound up seeing eachother more and more, and then eventually dating when I came home for the first summer after my freshman year in college. We never had an issue being intimate with eachother- kissing wasnt an issue, and it seemed like he always wanted to and he made the first move all the time...

Fast forward four years later to now, and this crap gets confusing. He sees via facebook that I have moved back to So. Flo to do this internship....he immediately suggests dinner. This one dinner turned into another dinner and a movie, then dinner casino and club and a kiss, then meet his whole family! Anyone disagree that it looks like he wants to be a little more than friends?

But things seem sketchy with him. One minute im the only thing he can think of, the next he is more interested in texting than me. So last night, he really wanted to move our movie dinner date to last night. I couldnt, so he said it was still ok to do it tonight. Now all of a sudden he cancelled....wtf!!!!???

SOO my question is, where have all the men gone????!!!! Im not talking about these little boys that are just interested in playing games and dont have proper etiquette when it comes to how to treat ladies.

Guys: even though its 2010, ladies STILL want the same thing- romance, to be swept off our feet. If you are not ready to give that, then DONT DATE....seriously, maybe I am just old-fashioned, but you dont text during a date. You dont pull in someone for a kiss one night, and then seem more interested in the remote than your girl the next. What is wrong with you!

Where have all the gentlemen gone? The ones who will jump infront of a bus to save a woman in its path, even if they dont know who they are. Honestly, are they all being held hostage somewhere? Are they all in Haiti helping others like Kris? Or did they all die out and my father is the last surviving one. If this is so, then I guess I need to be a cat lady or a lesbian or something....

Kris is one of these guys. He is currently in Haiti helping with medics to hospitalize the injured. Sigh....such a great guy. Why did I not try to date him instead of Ari....guess I missed that opportunity :-(

Sigh, depressing....Dont ever know if I will find my Prince Charming Hopeless Romantic Knight in Shining Armour....maybe in another life.


sigh, peace im out

Second Official Day of Teaching

Today I had to teach on my own because my intern supervisor was absent. I was TERRIFIEDDDDDDD! I had to teach the top jazz band in the morning and then the music theory class all my myself.

I had never done anything with the jazz band, but I did teach music theory yesterday, so I felt comfortable then. Jazz band was scary- the students had just woken up and werent really ready to work. But then we picked the first chart to play and everything went great. The trumpets and trombones are verrrryyy weak- most of them are freshman. But with more work, they were ok. It seemed like they had fun.

Music theory was awesome today. We went over an assignment from the previous day. They all seemed to understand the material I taught the day before, and were able to apply it well. Those kids are almost all seniors, so they are very helpful and were VERY inquisitive about college life....dont worry, i didnt answer any questions about college life, just about what programs were good to go to. Alot of them really wanted to go to florida state!!! Im so happy :)

The biggest issue I had today was with the one percussionist....well, not even a percussionist- a drummer!- in concert band. We had a parent teacher conference with him last week, but he is still screwing around. Just a bad seed. But the guy who is usually goofing off with him was doing very well today. He was busy learning the solos in his part for all the mallet instruments. He knows the notes and rhythms for the most part, its just getting him to do it and not talk to his jerk friend. He even tried to make casual conversation about whether or not I will be joining them on their little performance trip on Monday. He was also asking about if I dance salsa and if I like it....I think I may have a situation of a student crush coming up- dont worry, i will nip it in the butt ASAP

Today is going very well. I am excited about tonight too. I am helping my dad with his job stuff again tonight, and then me and Ari have a movie night planned. I have to go find "what dreams may come"- bc i lied and told him i already rented it....blah. But whatever. Lets see how this night goes.

Im out!! Kris, I miss you already. Good luck in Haiti and come home sooooon!!!!

FIRST THING TAUGHT!!!

I just finished teaching a music theory class texture in music.

I was absolutely terrified. The words that came out of my mouth were studdered. I looked at Mr. Jenkins and got a reassuring nod. Then, something miraculous happened.....THEY UNDERSTOOD what I was teaching!!!

The students were suprisingly well behaved. Once I envolved them a lot and asked them questions, even the worst behaved student was cooperating. It was probably the coolest experience yet.

After class, they all smiled at me on the way out. I felt sooooo accomplished. The next class period I sat in with the percussion section....i should really call them drummer. They were so disrespectful, screwing around. They even tried to mix up their names for me. I didnt let them get away with crap. I played every percussion instrument with them, constantly asking them questions about the music when there were breaks. I want them to always be thinking, always be doing. They arent bad kids, just reaalllllly bored and antsy when there is nothing for them to do. So they make up their own entertainment by screwing around and misbehaving. It really is that. I know that they were busy and on task today because they HAD a task that was more interesting then counting rests and playing for a few bars. However, I am not going to be there in the percussion section all the time....i worry for them.

NOTE TO SELF: always program music with sufficient percussion parts- the more you keep them busy, the more they are on task. Now, the issue is finding good music with percussion parts :-/

I am worried about tommorow. Mr. Jenkins will be out for half of the day, and I have to teach jazz band and music theory on my own. Its going to be interesting, thats for sure.

Last night was very interesting as well. I found out that my friend Kris is going to Haiti to help. He is a med student, and one of the best. While I am proud of him, I know I am going to worry for his safety. The violence there is bad, and there have been bad aftershocks. But I know he is doing it because he is ment to. He doesnt know how long he will be there, but I will miss him terribly.

In hopes of cheering myself up after talking to Kris, I went to see Ari. Everytime I see him I get even more confused. He invited me over to play some charts and he wants me to teach him how to read music. But as i was driving over, he said he wanted to just do something another day. Since i was already on my way, he said i should still come over. I know why he didnt want me there....his whole family was home. BUT i guess he didnt know how it was going to go. Immediately I hit it off with his dad. His dad is an ex-musician who almost made it big time in the 70s. We had so much to talk about. His mother made me dinner immediately, even though I said I was ok without it. His sister ran up to me and asked me where I shopped and loved all my clothes. And his brother was teasing me and Ari about being a couple. All this was happening while his HUGE rotwiler, Nemo was basically in my lap.

I love his family! So nice, so welcoming....his mother is a sweetheart and wanted to feed me everything in the house... but Ari was soooooo rude to her!!! And just standoffish to his whole family! It was a HUGE turnoff. I had more fun hanging out with his family then with him. After dinner, we went into his room and I attempted to teach him how to read music and rhythms. He knows how to do it, he just is lazy and doesnt want to apply it....possibly the worst student I have ever met lol

We spent more time improving and playing charts for eachother. It was nice. I am really getting more into my music now than ever. I sight read Spain on piano, and it was good. I have forgotten that I can do all of these things. We listened to a song we produced when we were younger. It is still a great song. I teared up listening to it because I realize how I have been detached from so many things I love. Like just really LOVING music and loving to play it. No more theory and lesson and blah blah blah. I think the biggest thing I have learned thus far is how much I do love music, and how my passion that started me in this direction didnt dissapear, it just got sidetracked.

The time spent with Ari last night was overall a dissapointment as far as "we" are concerned. We watched a movie together, alone, under a blanket, and he didnt even attempt to put his arm around me or get closer to me....I felt like I was watching a movie with my brother. I couldnt even concentrate on having a good time because I was always expecting him to make a move, but he never did....the only movement he made all night was texting CONSTANTLY to other people. I even jokingly sent him a text saying "it is rude to text while you have a guest" trying to hint at it....he laughed, but then continued.

Confusing, always. One day he takes me out and talks about taking me on trips and kisses me goodnight, and then another day he basically ignores me. His family paid more attention to me then he did....sigh, his DOG payed more attention to me. It was annoying, and I left dissapointed with no kiss, because I wasnt having it.

He texted me on the way home saying "my family is in love with you"....and all I could think about was....yeah, well at least they like me. He picked up that I was mad when I didnt answer, and I told him I was dissapointed a little, but I was ok. I dont want to deal with it. I shouldnt have to. Maybe things will change. He wants to get dinner and watch "what dreams may come" on Friday. Lets see how this goes....

Peace. Pray for Haiti.